Not Sure Where to Start...

Jul 28, 2021 12:56 AM
The patio.
The patio.

Not Sure Where to Start...

I'm 33 as a sit outside a patio pecking away at these keys on my laptop. I'm trying to find new beginnings. I think they usually just happened to me. Sounds like a very priviledged thing to say, and I can't really argue it's not. As I reflect on the changes in my life though, I guess their were a lot of labor pains before the new thing. I become really restless. I become hyper sensitive to the littlest things. My tolerance takes a dip. I've been experiencing some new pains.

This time around though, i'm not sure how to read them. My natural instinct and learned behavior has to been find an escape route, an emergency exit. This time is different. I think I want to press in. This isn't an easy call. I feel I've already put in my "time". I've done the things I came to do, I've accomplished some great things. The time has been very challenging, but the most rewarding and genuine experiences of my lifetime.

The past year has been back to back change. I've witnessed first hand quick ways to destroy trust and culture. I've seen the effects of leading with control instead of context. I've seen something good and right that seemingly will go on forever, get snuffed out. It's been heartbreaking and has challenged my perspective on the place of good in this world. Feeling like showing up is just bringing back those good memories. It's hard to be present when the past is more comforting and the future is riddle with uncertainty.

Why stay? It's an honest question. One that I have been asked a bit quite recently. It's a good question we should all ask ourselves; possibly every day. It's more than just about responsibility. It's more than just about integrity. It's more than just about grit. Why put in othe vertime? As I explore answers to this question, I've been surprised that it mostly has to do with people. I suppose people or a person is a big reason why someone would leave. So it's refreshing to think the reason to step through the pain, the heartbreak, the at times agony is for people. A belief in someting other than myself. Maybe it is a bit of responsibility. Feeling a bit like a bridge meant to span the gap between what was and what is to be. Leaves me feeling stretched and overloaded at times. But the effort feels like it's worth it.

I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by good humans. Folks who genuinely care for more than their own. Folks who give your not only their best, but bring the rest of themselves unaplogetically. I like getting the real version of people. They are what keep me going today, at 33. Not money. Not titles. Not status. I'm sticking around to see things through because there is greatness still to be seen in those around me. I want to be around to witness it. I want to be on the field in the middle of play when it get's called out of them. I want to be there when practice and preparation meets opportunity. I know they are going to wow the world, and I want the closest seat possible.